Ivy League-trained psychologist: These 3 ‘very powerful’ steps will build your emotional endurance

Being recognized as a resilient person feels great. Weathering the tough moments that build resilience is less glamorous.

Developing emotional endurance, or the ability to withstand stress or discomfort without letting negative emotions overtake you, can help that process feel less grueling and more like an opportunity to learn and grow, Columbia University-trained psychologist Becky Kennedy tells CNBC Make It. 

“The more we understand that the frustration and struggle is actually a sign we’re [learning], not a sign we’re doing something wrong, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate,” says Kennedy, a New York-based clinical psychologist and host of the “Good Inside” podcast.

You can get to this state of understanding by following these three steps, she says:

In a February Instagram Reel, Kennedy explained that learning happens between the space of knowing and not knowing something.

You don’t always instantly gain knowledge where you previously had none, and the process of getting from Point A to Point B can feel frustrating, says Kennedy. When you start a new job, for example, you’ll likely have to learn some new skills, make some mistakes and foster some new connections before you start to feel comfortable in the role.

The path between knowing and not knowing something is much more like a winding line than a straight and narrow one, Kennedy says — so when you feel frustrated, remind yourself that learning takes time. You can do this by drawing or looking at a simple diagram of the scenario, like this one:

“Having some type of visual for yourself is very, very helpful,” says Kennedy. “Every time you’re trying to do something new, when your voice starts to say, ‘Oh, this is too hard. I can’t figure it out,’ the visual gives you a different story. ‘I’m in the learning space. I’m kind of exactly where I’m supposed to be. It just happens to be tricky.'”

If you constantly tell yourself “this is too hard” or “I’m never going to get there,” you start to believe it. Shift your internal dialogue to something more positive, supportive and understanding, advises Kennedy.

Try telling yourself something like this, she says: “This feels hard because it is hard. I haven’t figured it out yet, and I can keep trying. I can take a breath and take a break and come back when I’m ready.”

Even if you don’t believe what you’re telling yourself, going through the motions — essentially, faking it until you make it — will help, because the practice will help you feel more confident over time, she says.

“Self-talk is very powerful. How we end up feeling about something is a combination of the feeling and how we talk to ourselves about the feeling, and we can’t change our feelings, but we can change how we talk to ourselves about our feelings,” says Kennedy.

Positive self-talk can improve your coping skills and build your mental strength, allowing you to put in more effort than you think you’re capable of, according to a 2020 study published in the Journal of Sports Science and Management. It can increase your internal motivation and even help you enjoy learning more, the study found.

Start with small goals instead of expecting yourself to quickly reach your long-term vision, says Kennedy.

If you set a huge goal and fall short of it, you’re unlikely to try again anytime soon, she says. If you want to be more active, commit to taking a 20 minute walk three times per week instead of trying to hit the gym for an hour every day, for example.

“Take on a small experiment that feels uncomfortable for you: I am going to talk to my boss about those things that’s upsetting. I am going to have that conversation with my friend,” Kennedy says. “Those are small experiments that tell your body, ‘I am someone who can be in the learning space and tolerate discomfort.’ The more our body learns that we can tolerate that space, the more we’re able to tolerate it in other areas as well.”

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