I’ve studied hundreds of highly successful kids: The No. 1 parenting trend that worries me—and what to do instead

I spent seven years studying high-achieving students, interviewing hundreds of them and their families.

Many young people I met described monitoring grades, rankings, and résumés as if they were constantly evaluating their worth. In some families, achievement took on an outsized role, leading some children to wonder whether their parents’ love was tied to how well they performed.

Achievement culture promises to open doors, suggesting that better grades and better college degrees guarantee better futures. But a growing body of research shows that this relentless chase can breed perfectionism, a trait linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.

So what can a parent do to protect against this narrow view of success and self-worth?

We can help young people turn their self-focused attention outward. When children shift from “How am I doing?” to “Where can I be useful?” they develop a stronger identity, rooted in contribution rather than performance. Small, everyday ways of being needed — helping a neighbor, being counted on at home, showing up for a team — can buffer against that harmful inner-scorekeeping and build a sturdier sense of self-worth.

When kids anchor their efforts in something beyond themselves, everyday stressors become more manageable. They stop believing they are only a grade or a score, and start feeling like a person who matters in the world. Here’s how:

Recently, a woman told me she was on her way to the park with her two young kids when she saw their elderly neighbor raking her lawn. The neighbor waved off the woman’s offer to help, but still, she unloaded her kids from the car, and they grabbed rakes, piling leaves into bags.

The kids talked about it all afternoon — how happy their neighbor was, how much fun they had, and how good it felt to be useful. They were experiencing what psychologists call a “helper’s high” and a growing sense of agency.

To help children look beyond themselves, try prompts like “What do you think she might need today?” or “Who could use a hand right now?” Regular acts, such as checking on a neighbor, delivering a meal, and volunteering, strengthen kids’ sense of belonging within their community.

One mother I interviewed taped a sheet of paper to the front door with a short list of family tasks. When her kids came home from school, she’d ask them to sign the ones they could take on that day. 

Over time, these small commitments helped her children see themselves not just as children who sometimes help, but as contributors to their family.

That shift toward a helper identity matters. In a study of 149 children ages 3 to 6, researchers found that thanking children for “being a helper” rather than “helping” significantly increased their willingness to pitch in. They were motivated by the idea of becoming someone who helps. 

Across studies, people who feel useful and connected show lower stress and greater resilience, suggesting that contribution is protective.

Kids learn generosity by watching us. But modeling alone isn’t enough. We have to make our thinking visible. 

When you check on a neighbor, bring soup to a sick friend, or help someone who looks overwhelmed, narrate the “why” behind your actions. 

You might say, “I brought her soup so she knows she’s not alone.” Or, you might explain, “He looked like he needed a hand with those bags,” or, “I texted her because I had a feeling today might be hard.” These small explanations give kids a mental model of why we help and an internal script they can use themselves.

In a culture that too often reduces young people to what they achieve, helping them look outward is one of the most potent antidotes we have to excessive pressure. 

When young people discover ways to contribute that aren’t tied to external metrics, they gain a more grounded sense of who they are and the larger role they can play in the world.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It.” She lives in New York City with her husband and three teens. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace. 

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