In relationships, no action is too small. Every little change you make matters.
As a couples therapist with over 30 years of experience, I’ve seen partners repeat many of the same mistakes, often unknowingly. Typically, these unhelpful patterns started early on in the relationship.
But don’t be concerned if you’re making some mistakes now. Simple changes, at any time, can go a long way to turn things around.
Here are six common tendencies to avoid in a relationship, especially in the early years:
1. Winging it
Most people are. We do what was modeled to us growing up, or maybe the opposite.
While we educate ourselves as professionals and parents, most of us don’t realize we need to learn how to be a good partner: to deal with conflict effectively, to become a good listener, to repair, and to continually invest in staying connected.
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I invite you to see yourself as partners-in-training and proactively spend time learning from articles, books, and even therapy.
2. Holding your partner responsible for your happiness and well-being
A fulfilling relationship, where the love keeps growing, begins when each person understands that their happiness and fulfillment belong in their own hands, not their partner’s. This is precisely why “relationship with self” is placed as the first pillar in my book, “A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship with Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose,” and as the basis for building long-lasting love.
When you invest in self-awareness, you set yourself up to live more authentically and happily. Knowing yourself becomes the gateway to treating yourself with loving kindness, challenging yourself to grow, and ultimately taking responsibility for your own well-being.
3. Viewing conflict as a bad sign
One of the most overlooked mistakes young couples make stems from the belief that a good relationship should be smooth sailing, with minimal fighting or disconnection. The misconception often keeps them from coming to counseling sooner because they fear that admitting to tension means something worse than it really does.
But a living, breathing relationship or marriage actually means disconnecting and reconnecting many times. This is how we build trust and grow. Here’s what I often say when couples first enter therapy:
“I’m glad you’re here. Your friction is not a bad sign. It means you’re being called to grow. The key is to learn how to approach your conflict to help you grow personally and closer together. This has to start with normalizing your challenges and embracing the issues you’re having rather than seeking quick relief or avoiding them.”
4. Trying to change your partner
When something about your partner gets under your skin, the natural inclination is to try to change them.
Yes, it’s important to address issues that are bothering you. But more often than not, there’s too much focus on what’s wrong. When you feel the inclination to criticize or change your partner, ask yourself:
- “Could I use this moment to become more patient, secure with myself, tolerant, or unconditionally loving?”
- “Is there growth for me here?”
- “Do I do something similar?”
- “Am I expecting perfection?”
- “Am I appreciative enough of all that my partner is and gives?”
5. Losing the priority
In the beginning, it’s easy to cherish our partners. But making sure that our mate feels like the most important other person in our life needs to be an ongoing priority.
The most common threat I see to that priority is when a couple becomes a family with children. In-laws, work, or too much concern about what others think at the expense of your partner’s needs or feelings can also interfere.
Young couples should be on the lookout from the get-go for simple ways to fight for their relationship and make their partner feel cherished. This could mean having a date night and a growth night, the former for having fun and the latter for talking about what’s feeling good or not so good in the relationship.
6. Thinking small
It’s important to take care of ourselves, invest in our own happiness, and nurture the people in our immediate circles and community. At the same time, to capitalize on all that a relationship can bring into our lives, we need to think bigger.
Looking for ways that you — individually and as a couple — can make the world better adds a dimension of strength and fulfillment that no amount of need-satisfaction can bring to your bond.
Don’t feel like you have to save the world in a day. You can start small, like volunteering, bringing a meal to someone who is sick, or welcoming guests into your home. The idea is to nourish, as a couple, the parts of you that love to give, in ever-expanding ways.
I find that when my husband and I are putting our energies together for the sake of others, the spirit of generosity smooths over our differences and brings us even closer.
Rachel Glik, EdD, is a licensed professional counselor with over 30 years as a couples and individual therapist. She has taught and created workshops for organizations such as: YPO, The Kabbalah Centre, Onevillage, University of Missouri and Psychotherapy Saint Louis. Rachel is also the author of “A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose.”
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