Most couples think they know each other well, but real intimacy is a lot more than just being able to name your partner’s favorite food or TV shows.
As a psychologist, I’ve found that people in the happiest, most successful relationships see in their partner what others can’t or would normally overlook.
If you can answer these five questions below about your partner, your relationship is built on a highly coveted level of understanding and connection. (And if you don’t know the answers? It’s the perfect excuse to start asking.)
1. What’s a seemingly small interaction that left a lasting impact on them?
We all have those moments that stick with us for life — something a high school teacher said in passing, a compliment from a stranger or a minor rejection that still stings years later.
These events might seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but they can radically alter the way we see ourselves, and they rarely come up in casual conversation.
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If you know about one of these small core memories in your partner’s life, it means you’ve had the kind of deep conversations that reveal the invisible threads of their personhood.
2. What’s their go-to mental escape when they’re feeling overwhelmed?
When life gets hectic, everyone has their own way of mentally checking out. Some fantasize about quitting their job and moving to a remote island. Others scroll real estate listings for cities they’ll never move to, or envision alternate versions of their life.
This is so much more than just a quirky habit; it’s a window into how your partner copes with stress. If you know the answer, it means you understand their inner workings, and that’s a rare kind of closeness.
3. What’s a social situation they secretly dread, but will never admit to?
We all have social scenarios that make us feel uneasy. Maybe your partner dreads small talk at parties, or they hate ordering at a restaurant in a group setting.
Knowing what makes your partner uncomfortable means you can be a source of support in situations where they might otherwise just grin and bear it. This is a sign that you’re truly attuned to their subtle mood changes — something that the untrained eye wouldn’t notice.
4. What’s a habit they picked up from their parents that they wish they could break?
Whether we like it or not, we inherit certain habits from our upbringing — some good, some bad. For example, maybe your partner has a hard time accepting compliments because they never got any growing up.
If you know what habit your partner struggles with, it means you’ve had the vulnerable conversations about the family dynamics that shaped them into who they are today. These are the kinds of details most people don’t get the chance to learn, or simply don’t care to.
5. What’s a moment they felt truly proud of themselves, but never brag about?
Everyone has accomplishments that they’re secretly proud of, but refrain from announcing to the world.
Maybe your partner once helped a stranger in a way that changed their life, or they pushed through a health, family or finance-related struggle that no one knows about.
If you know about any of their unsung victories, it means your partner feels safe enough to share their most humble, meaningful moments with you. That kind of trust is invaluable in a relationship.
Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.
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