In her latest book, “Love by Design,” social psychologist Sara Nasserzadeh explains that there are six ingredients a romantic relationship needs to be able to last and thrive.
These ingredients include compassion, trust and a shared vision and they need to be present to give relationships “a chance to even survive,” she says. “Let alone thrive.”
Respect is also a key ingredient and a fundamental one, Nasserzadeh says. It helps build the base for how each partner behaves.
In fact, a lack of respect in a relationship is a major red flag. In the long run, it can “bash the whole self-esteem and sense of self of the other person,” Nasserzadeh says
A disrespectful partner stops ‘seeing your priorities’
Disrespect can show up in romantic relationships in a number of ways.
Maybe a couple is out for a meal and one person starts eating as soon as their meal arrives, even if their partner hasn’t gotten their food. Or a couple is walking together, but one person is 10 steps ahead of the other.
Disrespect can also show up in bigger ways. For example, your partner can “stop seeing your priorities,” Nasserzadeh says. What matters to you doesn’t matter to them. If they’ve made a commitment to show up somewhere, for example, “they walk all over that commitment” and don’t show up, she says.
A partner can also disrespect your identity. If you identify with a certain gender, social class or any other group, they might put down or devalue the things that make you who you are.
We get into relationships to be seen.
Sara Nasserzadeh
Author, speaker
All of these behaviors show a lack of recognizing, acknowledging or caring about one side of the couple.
If you feel like this might be happening in your relationship, Nasserzadeh suggests having a conversation with your partner. “[Say] ‘hey, you know, I observed these things, where is it coming from?'” she says. “And sometimes the person can change and can learn, and sometimes, no.”
When we seek a relationship, we often look for someone who understands and accepts us, who can see us for who we truly are. Ultimately, “we get into relationships to be seen,” Nasserzadeh says. If your relationship isn’t providing that sense of being understood and valued, it’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth continuing.
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