Almost one-fifth, 19%, of parents says their kid has no or not enough friends, according to recent data collected by the University of Michigan. And more than half, 52%, report that at least one factor, including being shy or socially awkward, holds their kid back from forming connections.
Seeing your child flounder socially is difficult, says Dr. Sarah Clark, a research scientist at the University Of Michigan department of pediatrics.
“It’s hard to watch the slow motion train wreck,” she says.
Your instinct to help them make friends is reasonable. However, you need to be careful with just how involved you get.
“You want to be facilitating but not taking over,” Clark says. “I think a lot of well-intentioned parents, that’s where a lot of parents go too far.”
Here are two tips for helping your child make more friends without overstepping.
1. Put them in proximity of other kids
Take them to play at a busy park or befriend a parent with a child the same age as yours and plan a playdate. The more access your child has to kids their own age the more comfortable they’ll be socializing with them.
Be sure the setting fits your child’s personality. If they are on the shy side and tend to retreat in large groups, perhaps a crowded jungle gym isn’t the best place for them to bloom. Instead, Clark says, you can sign them up for a class or another small group activity.
Once you put them in the proximity of other kids, you need to let go.
“The parent has to take a step out and let the kids decide to what extent they want to play with each other,” Clark says. “[Parents] shouldn’t want to intervene to make sure everybody will get a long.”
The parent has to take a step out and let the kids decide to what extent they want to play with each other.
Sarah Clark
esearch scientist at the University Of Michigan department of pediatrics
2. Model what it’s like to be a good friend
Kids mimic behaviors. If they see you, for example, say “I’m sorry” after bumping into someone, they will replicate that reaction.
The same goes for the give-and-take often required of friendships. If your kid witnesses you help a neighbor jump start their car or sees you agree to watch a friend’s dog, they’ll start to understand how to be a friend.
“Friends think about each other’s feelings and they do little things to pep people up,” Clark says. “Showing your kids how you help someone at the grocery story whose bag spilled … these are small things parents can do. And then you verbalize, ‘That’s part of being a good friend.'”
Naming when you feel like someone has been a good friend to you can also help your child see what it takes to sustain a platonic relationship.
The hard part, Clark says, is to not intervene when your child doesn’t quite get it right.
“Sometimes what happens is parents are over involved to the point where they don’t create space for their kids to learn how to make a friend and be a friend and to build up their social skills,” she says.
Watching your child try and fail to play or have a conversation with someone is painful, but the experience can spur growth.
“Well-meaning parents get embarrassed when their own child is acting bratty, but that’s part of learning,” Clark says. “If you step in and fix it, it is hard for children to see the sequence of events that happens. And sometimes that includes some unfortunate consequences like when a friend gets mad or doesn’t want to play anymore, but we have to allow kids to learn that.”
You can lead them to a potential friend, but you can’t force a connection.
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