Plenty of kids would rather sit in front of their phone screen than play a sport, pick up an instrument or read a book.
They might be modeling that behavior from their parents, bestselling author and podcast host Mel Robbins said during a panel discussion hosted by Verizon on Wednesday. She spoke from personal experience, she added: Robbins would lose herself in her iPhone for extended periods of time, and then look up to see her kids buried in their own devices.
“I used to be the kind of person who always had [my phone] in my hand,” said Robbins, 58. “I felt like I just completely lost control of the situation.”
Kids typically have a different relationship with phones than adults do: They have a higher tendency to overuse social media and watch videos for hours on end, according to Michael Robb, head of research at Common Sense Media. This can cause problems with their sleep, physical and mental health, and shorten their attention spans — all making them less likely to develop into happy, successful adults, Yale University psychologist Laurie Santos told CNBC Make It in October 2023.
At first, Robbins would demand that her kids to put their phones away or scold them for being plugged in all the time, she said. Then, she realized her kids were mirroring her behavior, she said — seeking connection through social media, and texting friends to make up for the lack of in-person interaction.
“Where you put your attention determines the quality of your life, and when you give your attention away to everything, it often feels like nothing is getting your attention,” said Robbins. “So phone-life balance is a very important thing.”
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Thirty-one percent of U.S. adults struggle with mindlessly reaching for their phones throughout the day, according to a 2024 Morning Consult survey. Changing your habit means making a conscious effort — first to put your phone down when you’ve just picked it up, and then to avoid picking it up at all, Robbins said.
You can start trying to catch yourself “immediately,” she noted.
“I want you to look in the mirror. Do you sleep with your phone? Do you constantly have it? Are you the kind of person that goes out to dinner with friends or work colleagues and you’ve got the phone out or on the table?” said Robbins. “You cannot yell at your kids or expect your kids to police themselves [and] have balance if you’re not modeling it.”
Specifically, Robbins stopped keeping her phone on her person after work, while walking around the house and while sleeping, she said. The physical distance helped her curb the urge to check one last email or send a text that could probably wait until later. When she saw her kids on their phones, she asked about what they were doing instead of being “controlling” or “judging,” she said.
Maybe they were texting their friends, for example — theoretically a better use of technology than mindlessly scrolling through social media, which can damage your brain’s “executive function,” psychologist Gloria Mark said in April.
“When we’re overwhelmed with processing so much information, our cognitive resources drain. When they drain, our mind gets fatigued,” said Mark. “There’s a part of the mind that’s called executive function, and that has the job of keeping us on track. It helps us with decision making, filtering out distractions and sticking to goals. When the mind gets fatigued, executive function just can’t do its job.”
Understanding why your kids use their phones the way they do can help you build stronger connections with them, noted Robbins.
“We get judgy because we miss that connection of being present with each other, and then we blame it on the phone instead,” she said. “But when I started to … get curious about it, it [shifted] the dynamic.”
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