You’ve probably worked hard to build positive relationships. But what if, despite your best intentions, your communication is coming off as judgmental?
As the author of “Managing Up,” an executive coach to top performers at the world’s biggest companies, and a professor of human behavior, I’ve seen how certain phrases — even ones that sound perfectly reasonable in your head — can chip away at trust.
People may hesitate to share ideas or information with you. You may stop getting invited to meetings or to social events. And before you know it, you’re being labeled as resistant or not a team player.
Here are five common phrases that can make you sound judgmental, even when you don’t mean to be, and what to say instead.
1. ‘Why don’t you just…’
You may say this when someone brings up a problem that seems to have a straightforward solution. Maybe your friend is stressed about their inbox, and you mention, “Why don’t you just set up filters?” Or your direct report is struggling to get buy-in on a decision, and you jump straight to, “Why don’t you just schedule one-on-ones?”
You think you’re helping, but what the other person hears is: “The answer is obvious, so why haven’t you figured it out?” They may need empathy before they’re ready to problem-solve.
What to say instead
Get curious before offering solutions. For example:
- “That sounds frustrating. What have you tried so far?”
Once you understand the situation better, you can then suggest ideas with phrases like:
- “One thing that’s worked for me…”
- “An option that comes to mind is…”
2. ‘Actually…’
At a family gathering, someone mentions, “Grandma grew up in Ohio,” and you jump in to clarify, “Actually, it was Michigan.” Even small corrections like, “Actually, the deadline is Friday,” can come off harsher than intended.
Prefacing statements with “actually” can seem to imply, “You’re wrong and I’m right,” or, “You’re not paying attention,” and come off as condescending.
What to say instead
Embrace “yes, and…” improv energy to build on others’ ideas, not tear them down. Try:
- “You’re right about [X situation], and something else to consider is…”
- “That’s a fair point. I wonder if we also need to factor in…”
Signal humility with wording like:
- “I might be misremembering, but I thought the deadline was Friday. Do we want to double check?”
3. ‘To be honest…’
Over dinner you comment to your partner, “If I’m being honest, I had more fun at the show than I thought I would.” Or you might use it to express feedback, like: “Honestly, we should consider other options.”
You’re trying to be transparent. But saying “to be honest…” can subtly imply everything you said before wasn’t truthful. Worse, it often signals criticism is coming, so people might get defensive before you’ve even made your point.
What to say instead
Drop the preamble and lead with the positive experience:
- “I’d definitely do something like that again!”
- “I wasn’t sure what to expect and I really enjoyed myself.”
If you’re offering input, position your opinion as one possible perspective, not the only truth. For example:
- “I see a few challenges with that approach.”
- “My experience has been…”
You can also use words that invite open-mindedness like:
- “How about we explore…”
- “I’m curious about…”
4. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
You might say this when someone’s explanation or idea doesn’t line up with your thinking or experience. For example, maybe a teammate says they’re prioritizing a smaller client over a bigger one.
What you mean is, “I don’t understand your reasoning,” but the subtext can be perceived as, “Your logic is flawed.” Even if you’re truly confused, this phrase puts the other person in the position of having to defend their intelligence.
What to say instead
Acknowledge what you do understand or paraphrase what you’ve heard first. Try:
- “I know we’re trying to be thoughtful here. Can you help me understand the upside of waiting a bit longer?”
- “So if I’m following, we’re focusing on the smaller client first because of the referral potential, correct?”
5. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t know that.’
You might genuinely be caught off guard when someone isn’t aware of information that seems fundamental or well-known to you. Sometimes it’s even a nervous reflex if you feel awkward for not catching an oversight sooner.
By expressing “surprise,” you’re inadvertently suggesting their lack of knowledge is unexpected and perhaps inappropriate for someone in their role.
What to say instead
Focus on being helpful rather than highlighting their unfamiliarity. Try:
- “That’s one of those terms that gets thrown around a lot. It means…”
- “Totally understandable. Want me to fill you in real quick?”
These phrases aren’t always judgmental. Tone and timing matter, too. Be aware of both your intention and your impact and you can become the type of person others trust, respect, and want to invest in.
Melody Wilding, LMSW is an executive coach, human behavior professor, and author of “Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge.” Download exact scripts to diplomatically say no at work here.
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