When it comes to protecting your child’s mental health, emotional resilience is key. Not only do resilient kids bounce back from disappointment, but they’re also less likely to become depressed, anxious, or self-critical.
As a psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience, I’ve seen how kids with emotional grit often have one thing in common: parents who know how to deal with their own emotions.
When we show our kids that emotions aren’t shameful or off-limits, we teach them that feelings aren’t messy, intolerable nuisances. They’re brilliant biological messengers that tell us what we need and guide us through life — just like thirst and hunger. Knowing this, kids can learn to handle conflict, disappointment, and distress with greater confidence and wisdom.
Parents who raise emotionally savvy, resilient kids do four things, and the more you exercise these skills, the easier it is to pass them on to your kids.
1. They notice and honor their emotions
Resilient parents recognize that emotions aren’t meant to be buried, dismissed, or repressed. They know that ignoring feelings only makes them roar louder.
What eases discomfort is naming our emotions one by one. Like we tell our kids when they’re young, we can “use our words.” Start by saying to yourself, silently or out loud, “Right now, I feel…” and fill in the blank.
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Naming our emotions honors and validates what we’re going through. Only then can we take steps to feel better or advocate for ourselves. For example, if we’re filled with fury, we may need to set a boundary. Or if we’re anxious, talking with a friend or taking a walk might help.
When parents cope with their own feelings, kids learn that emotions are a part of daily life that’s just as valuable to our health as sleep and exercise.
2. They can regulate their own emotions
Have you ever noticed how watching a scary movie makes you feel frightened? That’s because emotions are contagious. If a fictional character’s fear can seep through the screen to impact an adult, parents’ distress can certainly rub off on their kids. So they need to regulate their own emotions to mitigate the effects.
Taming emotions begins with tuning into your body. Use this simple breathing exercise: Inhale slowly for a count of five and exhale slowly for a count of five. Repeat for two minutes. Known as “coherent breathing,” this relaxing technique helps calm down the body’s nervous system, which takes the edge off sharp emotions.
Keep in mind that you do have to experience your emotions in order to process, digest, and regulate them, but sometimes it’s best to give yourself a chance to calm down instead of expressing strong feelings when they’re at their peak. This way, your emotions don’t get the best of you, which means you’re less likely to express them in ways that can hurt your kids.
3. They don’t label emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’
Emotions often get categorized by how they make us feel — happiness has a positive reputation, for example, while anger gets a bad rap.
But emotions aren’t good or bad, they’re merely data. And the information they provide is beneficial and actionable. Sadness tells us there’s something to mourn. Fear alerts us to danger. Excitement makes us want to celebrate. Healthy guilt keeps us from treating people poorly.
Observe your emotions mindfully. Here are two phrases to guide you:
- “There’s no judgment in how I feel right now.”
- “Oh, there’s that feeling, again. I know it will pass.“
Parents are less likely to judge their kids’ emotions when they don’t judge their own.
4. They practice self-reflection
What I know as an emotions-focused psychologist is that our emotional lives are informed by the present but shaped by the past.
How our own parents dealt with our feelings is crucial. If our distress was dismissed or shamed repeatedly, we learn to avoid certain emotions (often anger, sadness, or fear) or to criticize ourselves for having them.
If you struggle with any particular emotion, self-reflection can help you figure out why. Ask yourself:
- “Growing up, how did my parents respond when I felt this way?”
- “What do I want to do differently with my kids?”
Asking these questions helps break old, hurtful familial patterns, ensuring you don’t repeat the same mistakes. Just being conscious of things you’d like to do differently can help you feel empowered to enact those changes.
Parents who can reflect on their own emotions teach their kids to do the same. It’s like modeling proper manners. Kids learn by witnessing what we do, not just what we say.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the forthcoming book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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