Building a healthy romantic relationship takes time and intention. Over time, meaningful experiences, personal disclosures and authentic conversations create closeness and intimacy.
To genuinely know someone, you must understand what matters to them — their likes and dislikes, passions, limits — and respecting those traits even when they differ from your own.
In fact, many strong couples come to appreciate differences, recognizing that a person’s history, quirks and tendencies are what make them unique. Here are eight phrases couples who are truly close use when talking about each other, and they should be relationship goals for all of us.
1. ‘They are who they are.’
Your partner’s mistakes aren’t yours to carry, and their successes aren’t yours to claim. They are their own person living alongside you, not an extension of you.
Similar phrases:
- “She’s always been like that.”
- “I know that’s one of his favorite things to do.”
2. ‘I’m not surprised at all!’
When you really understand your partner, you’re not likely to be taken aback by what they say or do. If friends are shocked by a comment or action they make, you might just smile and shrug.
Similar phrases:
- “Oh yeah, that’s my mate alright!”
- “That’s totally her style.”
3. ‘They’re quirky like that.’
Everyone has their own quirks, odd habits or routine preferences, from how they drink coffee to how they fold their towels. These are little things that no one else probably knows about them. But if you really know your partner, you notice those details and often find affection in them.
Similar phrases:
- “They sneeze like a train!”
- “His hiccups are kind of adorable.”
4. ‘I trust them to be themselves.’
Deep knowledge builds trust. When you know your partner, you trust them to act authentically and responsibly, whether you’re together or apart.
Similar phrases:
- “She can be a little intense, but I trust her to make good choices.”
- “I know they’ll be respectful.”
5. ‘That is a core value.’
Intimacy means understanding your partner’s fundamental ideas, beliefs and principles. Even when you disagree, you can acknowledge what truly matters to them without dismissing or demeaning it.
Similar phrases:
- “I know this is really important to them.”
- “He’s very passionate about politics.”
6. ‘They struggle with that.’
Knowing someone deeply means understanding their fears, vulnerabilities and emotional triggers. When those struggles surface, you respond with empathy rather than judgment or defensiveness.
Similar phrases:
- “I know this is painful for them.”
- “I see her struggle and want to support her through it.”
7. ‘I can’t change them.’
Knowing your partner means accepting that you can’t — and shouldn’t — try to change who they are, even if it’s something you really dislike about them. True growth only happens if they choose it.
Similar phrases:
- “They’ll change only if they want to.”
- “I accept that we see this differently, even if I don’t like it.”
8. ‘I didn’t know that about them!’
Even in long-term relationships, there’s always more to learn. When couples truly know each other, discovering something new feels like an opportunity to grow, not a threat.
Similar phrases:
- “I never realized they felt that way.”
- “Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still learning new things about him.”
Want to get to know your partner better?
Here are a few ways to start:
- Ask open-ended questions with genuine curiosity.
- Practice seeing situations from their perspective.
- Speak with respect during difficult conversations.
- Use physical touch, like hugging or holding hands, to bond.
- Show presence by putting down your phone, making eye contact and prioritizing time together.
The answer to real intimacy is simple: You have to understand and choose each other, every day.
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of the new book “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in romantic relationships, addictive behavior, and honesty. She received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School after earning her doctorate in clinical psychology from Texas A&M University. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren or Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
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