A few Christmas Eves ago, Nicola Slawson got very, very drunk. The London-based writer had spent the previous Christmas with her ex and was attempting to bury those memories.
“I was going through a heartbreak and I think I really didn’t handle it well,” says Slawson, who writes The Single Supplement, a newsletter for single women, and authored the upcoming book “Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms.”
“I’m usually the biggest fan of Christmas,” Slawson says. “I’m up early. I’m the one putting the Christmas music on and dancing, singing, and bringing the Christmas spirit. And instead, I basically didn’t come alive until about 5 p.m. It was embarrassing and I regret it.”
The first holiday as a newly single person can be emotional, especially if your ex attended the previous year’s festivities. If you feel anxious about your upcoming family holiday party, it’s tempting to make the same mistake Slawson did and overindulge.
But there are better ways to cope with the holidays. By doing some light preparation you can mentally equip yourself to handle whatever emotions and questions come up with grace.
1. Craft responses in advance
If you know questions about your ex will upset you, it might help to plan some answers ahead of time, says Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.
“If you’re afraid of getting teary when your well-meaning cousin asks, ‘What happened with Timmy?’ you can prepare a graceful response in advance,” she says. “Role play these scenarios with a friend or even in front of a mirror.”
She offers up the following script as an example: “It was a hard decision, but I’m really focusing on myself right now, and I’d love to hear about what’s new with you.”
2. Recruit help
You don’t have to weather this uncomfortable situation alone.
“Before going, connect with a trusted family member or friend who can help redirect conversations or provide a safe space if things get overwhelming,” Bobby says.
Having someone to intercept questions or go on a walk can help you feel supported. Even if you don’t end up needing their assistance, knowing you have an ally can put you more at ease.
3. Be honest
You can try deflecting questions about your ex with humor, Slawson says, but sometimes the most effective way to shut down discussions about a past relationship to let people know you’re having a hard time.
“We sometimes tell white lies as a way to get out of a slightly uncomfortable situation,” she says. “But it’s also OK to just say, ‘That’s not something I want to talk about. Let’s talk about X, Y and Z instead.'”
4. ‘Give yourself grace’
It’s perfectly fine to have a lowkey holiday. “Give yourself grace,” Bobby says. “Navigating a major life transition during the holidays is no small feat.”
If she hadn’t put so much pressure on herself to appear “jolly,” Slawson says she might not have imbibed so heavily that Christmas Eve.
“I was finding it really difficult, and I thought I’ll just go and have loads of fun with my friends on Christmas Eve,” she says. “If I’d been a bit kinder to myself, I might have said, ‘It’s OK not to have fun.’ You don’t have to force it and put on a brave face and pretend you’re fine.”
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